by Nicole Comis | Sep 15, 2017 | Relationships
When I decided to read, “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman as a way to support my clients in creating more fulfilling marriages, I had no idea it would also change the future of all my relationships.
Chapman’s theory is that each one of us has one primary and one secondary love language. He explains how speaking your significant other’s love language is an important piece to them feeling loved, contributing to a more fulfilling marriage.
Although the intention of the book is to help married couples develop stronger relationships, discovering my love languages opened my eyes to how I could create more fulfilling relationships in every area of my life.
Since I believe understanding your own needs is the foundation of having strong, healthy, and successful relationships I’m going to put a different spin on Chapman’s theory and share why I think it’s important for you to discover YOUR love languages.
First, let’s do a quick rundown of each of the 5 Love Languages …
Words of Affirmation
Hearing, “I love you!” is SUPER important to you, but you also crave compliments and being told that you are appreciated.
- “You’re beautiful!”
- “Thanks for being such a great friend!”
- “You’re doing an awesome job!”
Acts of Service
You know the saying, “Actions speak louder than words”? You feel loved when someone does something to make your life easier.
- Your mom runs an errand for you because she knows you have a busy week.
- Your boyfriend gets up at the crack of dawn to take you to the airport instead of you having to deal with parking or taking an uber.
- Your friend brings you soup when you’re home sick.
Receiving Gifts
Receiving a thoughtful gift makes you feel important; however, these gifts have nothing to do with being materialistic. They mean that someone is thinking about you, which you see as evidence that they value your relationship.
- Your husband picks up your favorite dessert when he’s at the grocery store.
- Your co-worker brings you coffee when she comes back from Starbucks.
- Your daughter brings you home a dandelion when she comes in from playing with her friends.
Physical Touch
If this is your Love Language, you’re probably a pretty touchy-feely person, and you feel emotionally satisfied when you have physical contact. Not only do you like being physically close to the people you love, i.e., cuddling on the couch, holding hands, etc., but you also feel connected to the people in your life when there is a physical exchange.
- Friends hugs you hello.
- Your buddy punches you in the shoulder after your team won the basketball game.
- Even, your boss saying, “a job well done” with a pat on the shoulder makes you feel appreciated.
Quality Time
Quality time is not to be confused with quantity time. It’s not about how much time you spend together that counts as much as it’s about how connected you feel during the time you are together! If this is your love language, having quality conversations is probably really important to you.
- Your boyfriend puts his phone away when you are on a date and gives you his undivided attention.
- You have weekly walks with your best friend.
- You have regular calls to connect with your sister who lives in another state.
Learning your primary and secondary love language will support you in understanding what you need in order to feel valued in every relationship in your life.
Don’t get me wrong…each love language contributes to having successful relationships, but if your primary love languages are neglected chances are you’ll feel disconnected and unsatisfied in that relationship.
For example, quality time is my primary love language and receiving gifts is the least important to me, so I would much rather have my friends go out with me to celebrate my birthday rather than have them buy gifts. But you better believe my heart lights up if one of my nephews (or one of the special kiddos in my life) gives me a gift they made.
What makes you feel that someone cares about you?
If you don’t know, an excellent way to figure it out is to think about how you show others you care about them. After all, most of us treat the people the way we want to be treated.
Discovering your love languages is the foundation to having healthy and fulfilling relationships, but ultimately it’s your responsibility to use that information to make sure you are getting your needs met.
Once I realized quality conversations was my key to feeling connected, I was able to reinvent the relationships in my life and create new ones that meet my needs. Now, my relationships are stronger and more fulfilling than they have ever been.
Are you ready to Learn Your Love Language?!??!?
Nicole Comis, Certified Life & Executive Coach, helps business owners and other career-driven professionals achieve their BIG career goals while integrating more balance into their lives. She partners with her clients to gain clarity on what they want their future to look like, face their fears, identify obstacles holding them back, and create a plan to help them achieve BIG, stretchy goals that are outside of their comfort zone. Her coaching practice incorporates her client’s whole life, not just their career, leading to a more balanced, productive, healthy, and happy life. Nicole is a graduate and certified coach from the Accomplishment Coaching Coaches Training Program and is accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF) as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC). Nicole’s high-energy, judgment-free, fun, no-BS approach helps men and women live a more balanced life with a career they love, fulfilling relationships, a healthy well-being, and killer confidence!
by Nicole Comis | Jul 14, 2017 | Life Balance
Most people define living a balanced lifestyle by how they allocate their time…But let’s be honest, how many of us can say that we truly spend 50% of our time focused on work and 50% on our personal lives? It’s just not the world that we live in.
What if instead, you defined living a balanced lifestyle based on fulfillment rather than time?
We all have different visions for the lives we want to be living. Your goals, commitments, priories, and the things that are important in your life will all impact how you define what balance looks like.
Regardless of your personal vision, here are some ideas to help you create more balance in your life…
Get clear on where you are now and where you want to be
Creating balance starts with taking a deep look at each aspect of your life. Think about each of the areas below and picture the things you love about them as well as what might need improvement. Take a few minutes to reflect, then rate them on a scale from 1-10 based on how fulfilled are you in each.
- Career/Business
- Significant other/Romantic relationship
- Friends and family/community
- Fun/Social
- Personal growth/spirituality
- Health and fitness/Self-care
- Finances
- Home and Environment
Create goals and a plan
Most of us create goals to move up in our career or succeed in a weight loss journey, but we forget about the other areas that are important to us. When was the last time you created a goal for your relationships? What about your home or even your social life?
Goals are important because they motivate us to take action.
Connecting with your “why” can help you truly understand why each area of your life is important to you and keep you moving toward achieving your goals.
What actions will you take that will help bring your fulfillment to a “10” in each area?
Prioritize
Take some time and decide what the most important things in your life are and practice making them a priority. When you start to prioritize, you’ll realize how much time you spend on things that aren’t that important to you!
Integrate fun and connection into every area of your life
I believe connection and fun are keys to finding fulfillment and I try to incorporate them into everything I do. Build friendships with your co-workers. Make friends with the people you see at the gym. Listen to fun music while you work.
What can you do to make each area of your life more fun and enjoyable?
Make time to connect with loved ones
We are all busy and it can be hard to find time to completely disconnect from our busy lives. Make time to connect with the people you love even if it’s a phone call on your way home from work or putting your cell phone away during a family dinner.
Practice being present and being intentional with your time
One of the hardest things to do these days is to be present. We are all so attached to technology that it can be difficult to disconnect.
Practice being intentional with your time. I know it’s easier said then done, but when your intention is to spend time with your family put your phone away and and enjoy the time you have with your family. When you’re working…turn off social media and your text notifications and stay focused on the task your trying to complete. Heck, I’m even practicing putting my phone away when I unwind and watch TV.
Make your wellbeing your #1 priority
If you do just one thing, I encourage you to make your wellbeing, which includes self-care and self-love, your top priority. Our wellbeing is the foundation of everything we do and the foundation of our wellbeing is how we treat ourselves!
If we aren’t giving our body what it needs to be it’s best, it’s not going to be able to preform it’s best at work or at home. It takes a heck of a lot more energy and you’re a lot less efficient when you’re running on fumes. Here are some suggestions to help increase your wellbeing.
- Make time for YOU!
- Make time for physical activity (even just 20 minutes of walking)
- Drink plenty of water
- Take vacations to fill your cup
- Take a lunch break
- Get a good night sleep
- Practice saying “NO!” to the things that aren’t supportive of your goals and what you want in your life
- Eliminate the energy drainers in your life
- Make time for fun
- Let go of trying to be perfect
A balanced lifestyle won’t happen overnight, but if you continue to practice, the small changes will add up! Set clear intentions, create goals, be present and practice, practice, practice.
Nicole Comis, Certified Life & Executive Coach, helps business owners and other career-driven professionals achieve their BIG career goals while integrating more balance into their lives. She partners with her clients to gain clarity on what they want their future to look like, face their fears, identify obstacles holding them back, and create a plan to help them achieve BIG, stretchy goals that are outside of their comfort zone. Her coaching practice incorporates her client’s whole life, not just their career, leading to a more balanced, productive, healthy, and happy life. Nicole is a graduate and certified coach from the Accomplishment Coaching Coaches Training Program and is accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF) as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC). Nicole’s high-energy, judgment-free, fun, no-BS approach helps men and women live a more balanced life with a career they love, fulfilling relationships, a healthy well-being, and killer confidence!
by Nicole Comis | May 26, 2016 | Comfort Zone
“A comfort zone is a beautiful place. But nothing ever grows there.” ~unknown
I have always dreamt of being up on a big stage empowering others. There was only one problem…I was petrified of public speaking. I’m talking the pit in your stomach, I’m going to throw up kind of fear! Even giving my 30-second elevator speech made me want to run for the hills!
Standing in front of the room, with dozens eyes looking at me, brought me back to being a kid when the teacher would call on me and I didn’t know the answer. You see, in the middle of first grade I was put back into second grade due to some comprehension challenges. So, as a little girl I developed a limiting belief that I would never be smart enough.
Once I created that awareness to my subconscious belief, I was able to take baby steps to face my fears. I started attending more networking events so I could practice giving my elevator speech. I started giving mini presentations to my leads group on my business (I used to find every excuse as to why I wasn’t able to present). I accepted positions where I was in charge of running meetings. And eventually I was getting up in front of a room of nearly 100 women and welcoming them to the Women in Business Breakfast each month.
The more I practiced the more I comfortable I got and eventually public speaking became a part of my comfort zone. I’m not saying that it’s smack dab in the middle, it’s probably still closer to the edge, but the more I practice the more comfortable I get and the closer it’s bringing me to my dream.
To support you in stepping outside of your comfort zone it’s helpful to first understand what your comfort zone is and how it works.
Fears: The main purpose of our comfort zone is to protect us from our fears. Not fears like spiders or snakes, but fears to keep us safe, especially emotionally. You know the fear of failure, rejection, being alone….
Beliefs: Our fears are typically created from limiting beliefs we have about others, the world or ourselves. Beliefs that we most likely we developed at a younger age and are stored in our subconscious.
Survival Mechanism: The protective shield, the armor, around our fears. This is where we decided to become a perfectionist, control freak, overachiever, workaholic, caretaker, etc.
Feelings: Our feeling also hang out in our comfort zone… good feelings, bad feelings, and the occasional feelings of joy or life is awesome.
We spend most of our days living inside our comfort zones. Sometimes we are smack dab in the middle. Sometimes we are slightly off center. At times we are even on the edge. But very rarely are outside our comfort zone…and this is where the magic happens and where possibility lives!
Below are 5 things to support you in stepping outside of your comfort zone:
Create an awareness of your fear: Creating awareness is always the first step to making a change. Explore what you fear is and where it is coming from. What is the core belief that created this fear? Be patient, finding these hidden beliefs often requires that we do some hunting.
Get clear on your Future Vision: What do want your life to look like? Get connected with your, “what for,” your “why,” your goals and your big commitments. Be sure to revisit this on a regular basis…this is the fuel for your fire!
Don’t Do It Alone: Partner with someone you trust to hold you accountable. Pick someone that you can vulnerably share your fears, your plans and what you want to create. Practice asking for support and help.
Avoid Overthinking: Our minds have a habit of building up things to be worse than they are in reality. We overthink things and play out every scenario, which can paralyze you. Take a deep breath, connect with your commitment and rip off that Band-Aid! Don’t let your brain sabotage your goals.
Don’t Expect Change to Happen Over Night: Create milestone and take baby steps to support you. Keep practicing! The goal is to take things on, to build your muscles so that eventually you will expand your comfort zone.
Nicole Comis, Certified Life & Executive Coach, helps business owners and other career-driven professionals achieve their BIG career goals while integrating more balance into their lives. She partners with her clients to gain clarity on what they want their future to look like, face their fears, identify obstacles holding them back, and create a plan to help them achieve BIG, stretchy goals that are outside of their comfort zone. Her coaching practice incorporates her client’s whole life, not just their career, leading to a more balanced, productive, healthy, and happy life. Nicole is a graduate and certified coach from the Accomplishment Coaching Coaches Training Program and is accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF) as a Professional Certified Coach (PCC). Nicole’s high-energy, judgment-free, fun, no-BS approach helps men and women live a more balanced life with a career they love, fulfilling relationships, a healthy well-being, and killer confidence!
